Untitled
by chakramchaser
Summary: A/O: A series of fics, alternating between Alex's and Olivia's POV. A work in progress, will update frequently.
1. Moments

There are moments that make me wonder.

She'll pour my tea for me. She'll give me a smile on her way out the door. She'll hold my gaze for that extra second.

The extra second that drives me crazy.

More than once, I have been forced to lock myself in my office and put my head down on the desk. _This is so unprofessional it's unbelievable. It's all wishful thinking. Wishful thinking that needs to stop. _

When I think I've collected myself, I return to work. But she's always there, sitting at her desk. On the phone. Running out the door on a call. Getting coffee. Smiling at me. If she's even in the room, there's always a bit of my mind that's with her. I can function, but I'm distracted.

The worst is in the courtroom. Not because it's any different, but because it's the time when I need to be on the ball. Even if she's sitting in the back row, I can feel her breath on my neck. I can feel her lips make contact with my skin…

_No. Unacceptable! This is work. People's lives are at stake. Justice is at stake. I can't do this._

I can't do this.

At home, I dissolve into tears. I want her. I really want her. I need her. This beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, hardworking woman.

Olivia.

When she's even remotely close to me, she's all I can think about. When she's gone, she's all I can think about. When she comes back, my stomach drops clear through the floor as I look up at her and she smiles at me.

And the torture begins all over again.

I return to the moments. She'll pat my shoulder after winning a case. She'll look into my eyes when I talk. She'll sigh when I walk away.

Out of hope, I hold onto those moments.

The moments that make me wonder.


	2. Eyes

Her eyes.

Her eyes search me. They know me. The blue, at times icy and hard, turns liquid when she sees me. At least, I imagine it does.

I hope it does.

Because when I see her, when I see Alex, my mind stops working. All I can do is look at her. My paperwork remains open on my desk, untouched, as I stare at this beautiful woman. My phone goes unanswered. Conversations are left hanging as I retreat into a dreamlike state.

Thoughts swirl around in my head. Thoughts that I know I shouldn't be having. _I work with this woman. This is a working relationship. Nothing more. _

I wish it would be, though… I really wish it would be.

Underneath the fierce, stern exterior, I can see that she's a beautiful person. Caring, passionate, and determined.

Now if she would just apply those to me…

I can see us in an apartment together, going about our daily business together. Shopping. Phone calls. Television. Making dinner. But then reality sets in and I erase the images. She stands across the room from me, talking about a case with Cragen, while I sit here and do my work.

There is no "us". There never could be an "us".

I think I see a flash of blue when I look at her. Did she just give me a look? Did she just watch me from the corner of her eye? _No. Of course not! She's professional. Like you should be. Besides, she wouldn't go for me. I can think of a zillion reasons why…_

When she leaves and I can return to the files in front of me, she still lingers. Her essence, her energy. They stay with me. Even as I work, I can feel the clear blue eyes trained on me.

Her eyes.


	3. Hands

My hand.

She touched my hand.

We walked down the hallway together, talking about nothing in particular. Not even about a case, just chatting. It was a welcome change of pace for me. I had been working all day on a particularly nasty case, and I found my mind wandering often. When it wandered, it always found Olivia.

The relief was enormous when she poked her head into my office and asked if I would join her on a coffee run. Apparently nearly everybody in the precinct had placed an order and Olivia didn't have enough hands. Of course I accompanied her.

Walking through the halls, conversation flowed easily. I found myself laughing at her jokes, and I was delighted when she laughed at mine.

_God, Alex, _I chastised myself. _Could you be any more childish?_

It didn't matter, though. Not when I was with her. Not when she was with me. Any doubtful thoughts were pushed out of my head as she angled her face upwards to look at me. Her chocolate eyes melted my resolve. I gave in to everything I had been feeling.

Those feelings are why my heart leapt out of my chest when she reached over to hand me the coffee tray. Those feelings are why when our hands touched, tears nearly came to my eyes.

The beauty of it.

Her hand on mine.


	4. Voice

Her voice.

Alex's voice sends chills up my spine.

When she's presenting a case to the jury, it's firm and it commands respect.

When she asks questions, it's focused and inquisitive.

When she speaks to me, it's warm. It's loving. It wraps me in a cocoon of safety and protection.

I try to keep our conversations going for as long as I can because of this. Even if we're discussing some morbid case. The feeling that she gives me is worth more.

When she leaves, though, when she stops speaking, I feel naked without the security blanket that she unknowingly provides me.

I try to remember exactly what she sounds like, how her mouth curves around each word, tasting the sounds. How her voice moves up and down through the sentences, like a leaf blowing in the wind. It twirls up and spins around, back down and up again. Then it comes to rest, unmoving. And the feeling is gone.

When I try to remember it, I can't. The cold emptiness stays around me until it happens again.

Until I hear her voice.


	5. Smile

Her smile.

Her smile lights up my soul.

It's so rarely seen, so seldom allowed to see the light of day. But when it does break through her severe exterior, there's no comparing it to anything.

The way Olivia's eyes crinkle, the way her cheeks become rounder and fuller, the way her lips orient themselves… It sends me spinning out of control with a realization.

_That smile was for me._

Doubt fills me immediately. It's my automatic reaction, a weak attempt to protect against false hope. I look again, just to be sure.

There it is, still firmly in place, Olivia's eyes still trained on me. Her face still radiates the kindness and compassion that I know she is filled with.

Slowly, I feel my own face begin to contort. The joy that swells up inside me, filling my chest, is too much to ignore. I'm almost embarrassed at the childish grin on my face, and my cheeks begin to redden.

I look down quickly, trying to hide my blushing. I catch a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye, though. She's still sitting there, looking at me pensively.

The memory of the moment won't leave me alone. It assaults me anew with every breath.

The memory of her smile.


	6. Warmth

The warmth…

The warmth of her body on mine caught me completely off guard.

The end of the day. The end of a very hard day. Alex knows it, I know it, we all know it. Phones were ringing off the hooks, and even now my ears are still echoing with the sounds.

But Alex made it better.

I was on my way out. I had the weekend off. She caught me by the door, bundled up in her coat and scarf.

_God, she's beautiful._

She asked me if I was coming in tomorrow. I heard myself say no. And in the next moment, my mind stopped working.

She wrapped me in her arms. She told me she'd see me later.

_A hug. She's hugging me._

And then she was gone. She descended the stairs, blonde hair flying behind her.

Now the streets are dark and crowded, and the autumn winds blow in my face. My mind isn't working, but my feet know the way home. I move through the people like a ghost, not thinking and not feeling. My jacket is open, but I don't feel cold.

I only feel her warmth.


End file.
